Bits and Pieces

I recently went down a rabbit hole of looking through old photos for a project I’m working on. Pictures from my childhood, awkward teenage years and early twenties unearthed from dusty boxes. 

I was reminded of the person I was before.  Before marriage, before parenthood, before epilepsy. There was the girl who fought through an eating disorder, dreamed of a corner office in New York City and had likely said the word epilepsy once in her life. Our lives don’t always turn out as we had planned. That girl moved to Boston, a far superior city to New York in my opinion and stumbled through start-up after start-up, never quite landing a “career”. Soul searching lead to an almost return to school to become a special education teacher (how about that for foreshadowing). Almost, because life had different plans just nine short months later. 

I’m not the only parent to a child with disabilities that has put their own hopes and dreams on hold to ensure their child gets all they need. But at what point do we pull bits and pieces of who we were before into the after?  At what point do we say I need a little bit of that girl with me today? Certainly I would leave behind the insecurities, the RBF (‘Spina Stare – if you know, you know) and the clothes. But that girl with collagen filled cheeks, not a gray or worry in sight was full of hopes and dreams, some have evolved and changed or even faded away, but all have taken a back burner to care for my child. 

The other set of pictures I wound my way through were of my own child, who is about to enter that awkward phase. Will she go to a dance?  Will she be on the high school cheer squad?  Will she sing in choir?  Will she get her heart broken by her first love?  As she comes into her own, i know her experiences will differ from mine, largely in part to us being very different people but also because of the challenges thrown her way. As she navigates this next journey I hope she follows her heart while realizing her dreams. If at some point they take a back burner , I hope that she returns to them. Bringing bits and pieces with her into each new chapter of her life, remaining true to herself. 

Unearthed photos lead to the realization that while my primary role is a parent caregiver, there are bits and pieces of the girl from before  that still wants to be here.