I remember the day so vividly, not the date or the year, just the day. I hadn’t been practicing yoga that long and wasn’t really into all the quotes and mediation stuff, I was simply trying to take back a bit of myself after the first few years of motherhood. The teacher started the class by saying, “Our minds don’t let go of trauma until our bodies do, take a deep breath and let it all go”. It was in that moment that I realized I had been carrying the trauma from Reagan’s early and scary birth with me. I had been carrying the guilt of her diagnoses, because she lost oxygen during some point of my pregnancy. I had been silently grieving motherhood knowing it would never be what I had envisioned. I never viewed this as trauma, until that moment and knew it was time to let them go.
For the first few years of Reagan’s life I swore off any type of physical activity, I felt guilty that my body was so easily able to do things and hers was not. If she couldn’t do these these things than I shouldn’t either. As she started to walk around two years of age, I slowly gave myself permission to get back out there. I started practicing more and the opportunity came about to attend a 200 hour teacher training with my sister (who was already teaching and running a studio). I thought sure, but I will never ever teach a class, this will just be a great opportunity to learn more. I spent a few months diving into poses, breathing techniques and learning about myself and fellow teacher trainers.
Over the years I have had to step away from my practice, first when I had a surgery that was necessary but solidified our family would remain just the three of us. And a year later another surgery which proved to be my saving grace, sparing me from something much more serious. During one of the surgeries I remember asking if I could have a moment to breathe, you know those really deep calming belly breaths?! I vaguely remember the anesthesiologist saying he felt calm just watching me. I found my way back to my mat eventually after recoveries that were most likely easier due to my yoga practice.
Most recently, last year I stepped away from my practice because Reagan needed me more. With age, her academic and physical demands are greater leading to more therapies and doctors appointments. And when she started the ketogenic diet, there was absolutely no room for error. Though a challenge for me personally it was the right decision, as Reagan thrived and made the most gains she has in years. This year with all the craziness of the pandemic, I have finally found myself back on my mat a lot more, often times with a partner in tow.
The physical practice of yoga lead me to a mental practice of learning when to let go, to breathe through discomfort and the importance of finding one thing that you can turn to. And while I swore I would never teach a single class, I did, and not just one, more than I can count (though I did take a break from teaching at the same I stepped away from my practice last year). The most beautiful part of my practice has been sharing it with Reagan. All those years I worried about what she wouldn’t be able to do, I never thought about what she could. Through Reagan I have learned that truly yoga is for every body. There is beauty in the ability to find stillness, grounding and peace.
Rea of Hope 